Are you speaking from habit or precence
The other day I was sitting in a conversation with someone, and as we talked, I noticed something I’ve become more and more aware of over the years. The conversation was flowing, words were coming, sentences were being formed, but somewhere along the way it felt like we weren’t really there together. It was as if we were both talking – but not necessarily listening. Not truly.
What also became clear was that what I was hearing felt like repetition. Like something well rehearsed, almost practiced. The words came in a steady flow, but there was very little space in between. I noticed how difficult it was for me to enter the conversation, to add a reflection or a thought of my own. It felt more like I was sitting next to someone who needed to talk things out, rather than two people exploring something together.
I’ve learned to listen over the years, and maybe even more to sense what is actually happening in a conversation. And what became so clear in that moment was how easy it is to get stuck in the world of thought. We think we are communicating, but in reality, it is often our conditioned patterns that are speaking. Our programs. What we’ve said before, what we are used to saying, what feels safe to express – and therefore keeps repeating itself, without allowing anything new to come in.
And maybe that’s where something important happens. Because when we don’t let in another reality, when we’re not truly listening, the conversation becomes more of a monologue than a dialogue. Something that circulates within the same frame, instead of opening up to new perspectives.
When conversations lose presence and become patterns
It’s almost as if we don’t meet in the moment, but instead repeat something that is already decided. As if the conversation is no longer alive, but running on autopilot.
And that’s where I notice the difference. Because when a conversation is alive, when there is presence, something else begins to unfold. A dialogue emerges. Not just an exchange of words, but a movement where both people have the opportunity to discover something new – not only about the other person, but about themselves.
It made me reflect again on how much we actually listen. Not just to others, but to ourselves. Are we aware of how we speak? Of what we actually say – and why?
Self talk and inner awareness
A few years ago, I started to work more consciously with how I speak – my self-talk. It didn’t begin as a big project, but more as a curiosity. What is it that I actually say to myself? What do I choose to bring forward when I talk to others? What am I reinforcing, often without even noticing it?
What I discovered is that the way we speak doesn’t just reflect how we feel – it often reinforces it through repetition. We end up confirming our current state again and again, rather than allowing something new to emerge. The words we use set a tone, and that tone travels with us, both internally and into our interactions with others. And if we’re not aware, we can stay on the surface, describing how we feel, instead of gently moving beyond it and into a deeper sense of well-being.
Trying to fix things on the surface
In the middle of that conversation, I mentioned that it might be valuable to pause and listen a bit more deeply. Not to immediately try to solve or fix things, but to give space for something deeper to reveal itself. But the response came quickly: there were things that needed to be fixed first, things that had to be taken care of – and my suggestion didn’t really land.
And there it became clear again how easily we try to change things on the surface, as if we are adjusting something on the screen. We see the image, react to it, and want to fix it right away. But maybe that’s not where the real change happens.
The screen or the film?
Maybe there is something deeper in turning inward and asking what it is we are projecting in the first place. What kind of “film” is running underneath, creating the same patterns over and over again?
Because much of what we hold on to is what feels familiar. The way we speak, the way we think, the way we describe ourselves and our lives. It gives a sense of safety, even when it doesn’t take us where we truly want to go.
Creating a new direction through conscious communication
If we want to create something new, it’s not enough to change what appears on the surface. We need to begin with what happens on the inside – in how we think, but perhaps even more in how we express what we think.
And this is where the voice comes in. Because the voice is more than just a tool for communication. It is an amplifier. When we put words to something, when we speak a direction or a feeling, it gains weight. It becomes more real, more embodied.
That’s why I believe it is so important to speak about what we actually want to experience – not just what is. To give voice to our dreams, our direction, and allow them to take space – not only in thought, but in what we actually express.
What you say sets the direction
I often see it as if we are constantly tuning ourselves through what we say. What we repeat, what we give energy to, what we choose to articulate – all of it becomes part of an inner archive.
And sometimes it becomes very clear. I was in another conversation recently, where we were supposed to have a regular PT session, but instead it turned into a coffee. The conversation shifted unexpectedly, and suddenly the focus turned toward me. The question came directly: what is it that you actually want to do?
And in that moment, I had the chance to put it into words. Not just think it, not just feel it vaguely – but actually say it out loud. I could feel something shift inside me as I did. It almost felt powerful. As if the words themselves created a direction, as if something aligned simply by being spoken.
It also became clear that expressing what you want is a step in itself. Not just keeping it inside, but allowing it to exist in the outer world. Because the moment we say it, we begin to relate to it differently.
And from that inner archive, life begins to respond. Not necessarily to what we say we want, but to what we actually live, feel, and express.
A quiet invitation
So maybe it’s not about speaking more, or saying the right things.
Maybe it’s about pausing for a moment, in the middle of everything, and becoming a little more aware of how you speak – and what you unconsciously give your attention to when you do.
What are you telling about your life?
What tone are you carrying in your voice?
And what are you unconsciously focusing on when you speak – is it only what has been, or is there something within you that is moving forward?
Because it’s not about getting stuck in the past. We can choose to bring forward the parts that give us energy. Memories that carry something good, something alive – and let them set the tone for where we are going.
And if you listen a little deeper…
is there something new that wants to take form?
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤍
Anders Stark
If this resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need a little more space to breathe today.
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